i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
