Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
