I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
