just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
