I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
