Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
