hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
