Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I want to be your penis for a week.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal