Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
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