She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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