I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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