he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
