Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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