my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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