Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
