On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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