Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
