went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
