Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
