She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
