apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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