Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
