her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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