I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
