Say something about gay babies.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
