The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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