Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
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We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
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He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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