so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
