My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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