you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
