what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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