My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
