Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
