ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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