Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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