so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
