I haven't been this sober since birth.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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