my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
