I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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