thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
