dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Every concussion has its silver lining
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits