Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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