I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
