he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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