I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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