I met the friendliest cop last night
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
