I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
