So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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