I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
