Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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