I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
