I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
