you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
