At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
