So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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