he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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