I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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