it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
