I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
