I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
third nipple confirmed
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
